I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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