DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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