I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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