and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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