It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
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