I'm gonna have a badass scar
Small penises have feelings too.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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