Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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