shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
