Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
