I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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