This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
