I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
