My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
