The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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