Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
