could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
