On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
