just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
