My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
