Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Non-Jews are for practice
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
