Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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