the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
