You're completely useless in the revolution.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
