I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
