you told grandpa to call you daddy
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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