i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
