3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I can't turn off my feet"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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