Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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