I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
