You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
