Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
