My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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