Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
