They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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