We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
