someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
