I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
