So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
