i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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