Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize