Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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