just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
