True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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