She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
you made out with another girl for some wings
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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