Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
