before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
