i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
