i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
