I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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