Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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