Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
