it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
