I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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