the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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