What a fucking waste of an outfit
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
