Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
