I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
