I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
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was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
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And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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