it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
